You Might Be Amish If...

After numerous questions and jokes at my expense, I decided that I should probably devote some serious content to the thought that I might be Amish. For some reason, my nieces and some of my friends are convinced that I've converted. I don't know whether it's the sweet beard that I grew (in just a shade under 2 months) or my new buggy that I have parked in the drive. Or, maybe it's my all around good nature and the fact that everyone loves me. Or, maybe it's my cabinet making skills. It's definitely not my nun chuck skills.

I think it will be appropriate to shed some light on my Amish agenda and all that surrounds it.
Let me start off by saying that there are a few reasons why I'm not Amish:

1. I can't stand the thought of "sleeping in" until 5:00 am.

2. I've previously mentioned my beard growing problem (it's really a timing issue). I can grow a sweet Amish beard, but it takes a few months. I don't think the Elders would accept this. Plus, in the first few weeks of growth, it looks kind of mangy (think white trash, kind of like Joe Dirt).

3. I can't pick the Amish name that fits me best --- I'm torn between Jebediah Yoder ("Jeb" for short) or Amos Ezekiel (my friends would be required to call me "Famous Amos").

4. I would be booted from the commune when they catch me sneaking back in from my trip to Vegas, where I was watching Chuck Liddell defeat Rampage Jackson in the rematch. By the way, how could I commit to being a pacifist when I love Ultimate Fighting so much?

5. The Elders would have a big problem with me when I advise them that they need to get out of the dark age and get the computer program Excel (how does any live without it?).

6. Can you imagine me making quality cabinets? Me either. I have a hard time cutting a 2 x 4 that I bought from Menard's straight. Give me 2 years as an Amish craftsman and I would destroy the reputation that they have built over decades. The phrase "Amish craftsmanship" would then be known as cheap imports from China that fall apart after a month, were made in sweatshops by small children who are paid 6 cents a day, and made with lead based paint.

7. The non-form fitting black dresses and bonnets just don't do it for me. (Denny is in to that though).

8. The Bishop would have a problem with me starting every story I tell with "This one time, when I had electricity...".

9. I would be too tempted to end each work project with "This Suckeths". The Amish frown upon this. For example, after raising a barn while wearing a full suit (minus the zipper) in 90 degree weather, I would exclaim, "This suckeths". Or, after churning butter in barn that we raised while wearing a full suit in 90 degree weather, I would exclaim, "This suckeths".